Gotta Love How It's Somehow All on Me

For a long time, I've had a problem. I like to put everything--all the blame, all the weight--on my own shoulders. I've realized this is a problem, and as a result, I've tried to stop doing it.

Yet, it keeps happening.

No matter who I'm dealing with. No matter where I am. No matter how completely out of my control the situation is, it still comes down on me. It's my fault. I'm the one it gets taken out on. It's like the time my father grounded me for "breaking the garage door" just because I was the last one to press the button, except it happens every fucking day of my life.

It's killing me.

I can feel it in my chest, in the worst of ways. I don't want to be the one who's always at fault any more. That's why I'm trying to stop heaping the blame on myself, but it seems like there are still plenty of people left so fill in the hole I dug long ago. I'm trying so hard in so many facets of my life, but it almost always seems to come undone at the slightest happenstance that I can't control. All the goodwill with any of a variety of people is instantly dashed away by some bullshit that I couldn't have even done anything about if I had a time machine.

At least when I was putting it on myself, I knew why it was there. Now? I don't. I can't fucking escape it. Pound after pound of dirt raining down on my head. And it makes me want to take it out on me even harder.

People didn't want me to put it on myself. Maybe they shouldn't be working overtime to make up for the slack and then some. I'm fucking sick of it.

Lyrics: "I am not perfect and I don't claim to be / And if that's what you wanted / Well then I'm so sorry / How about a better version of, the way that I a"

This Time

Just believe me, this time it'll be different. I'm not the same as them. You're not the same as my past was.

It'll be different.

To the Worst 90 Minutes of My Life

Honey, this record's seen some hard times. It's been used and abused, left scratched and scuffed. It desperately wants to sing you sweet music--the sweetest music there is--but time's gonna come when--well, it can't help but scratch, hiss, and pop at the most inopportune time.

Then let me cut my tongue out and lay it at the feet of one and all that have been wounded by its tourettic venom.

Good thing I couldn't possibly give less of a shit about my own well-being. It shouldn't hurt much.

Words

My area of study has been a double-edged sword. On one hand, I know how incredibly powerful words can be. They can shape perception. They are perception.

But I also know, all too well, that they are simply words. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

They have no concrete value. They are ephemeral and transient. They're just as likely to control someone as pass right through them. No matter how carefully crafted a message or a plea may be, it can pass through someone like a ghost.

And that makes it all the more frustrating when they're all I have to rely on. Baby, it's all we've got. I know my words don't prove anything. My words can't build a bridge from here to there. They won't spawn a plane ticket. They won't make me instantly appear beside you.

ButGoddoIwishtheywould.

But, they are mine. They are from me. You're right, I can't know. Fate is capricious and invisible. But, I know me. I know what I am. I know what I want. I know what I will do. I wish I had the magic words, and I know I've sold a lot of people during my studies on the fact that there are some magic words. Unfortunately, I know the reality is that words are just as often worth their weight in gold.

But they are mine. Please believe in me. Please believe in this. Please believe in us. Know that I will keep doing everything I can to prove that these words do mean something.

Lyrics: "Believe in the light in me."

"Believe" - Staind

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you
And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don't meet
In the dreams that I live through

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

All the smiles you had to fake
And all the shit you had to take
Just to lead us here again
I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Its my life
Its my choice
Hear my words
Hear my voice
And just believe

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
And all I think about is you

If you believe in me
Life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Sigh.

A Gnarled Path

I look back on the past several years--let's say six--and realize that every slight, backstabbing, and collapse all led to this perfection I have now--this happiness.

Suddenly, I am at peace. All of that led me to this. I wouldn't change anything in the world.