Oh, Internet.

I'm feeling better today. I've come down quite a bit from early this afternoon, but I'm still generally "well." Eating is at least mostly back to normal. Hooray.

Today at work, I overheard some conversation about relationships. One of the girls mentioned something she had read along the lines of: "The most important thing in any relationship is trust. You should be able to believe the other person has your best interests at heart and isn't going to purposely hurt you."

It's rather eerie, because that's what I told Elizabeth time and time again. It never seemed to stick. It's still something I believe in, though. It's the attitude I always bring and try and keep--at least until its proven otherwise. It makes forgiving a lot easier. It may not make things hurt any less in the short term, but it seems to soften the blow.

Whether it's a friendship, an intimate relationship, or a business relationships, trust is pretty fundamental. Any time that above law has been proven wrong--at least in my life--things have turned pretty toxic in short order.

Today's words: 806
Today's lyrics: "Let me be the fire in your head"

...Which in retrospect, sounds like it might be kind of painful.

A Return to Normalcy

Thanks Warren Harding. (I can hear some of you giggling at "Harding")

Things feel better today. They're not totally back to where they've been the past few months, but I'm doing better than I have been the past few days. I had trouble sleeping last night, which in this case is probably a good sign. I'm eating, although I still have zero appetite. I don't know if/when that'll come back. The last time it disappeared, it stayed gone for three years.

I think at least some of the sudden drop comes from the fact that the past few months have been the first time I've felt "good" in a couple of years. I know the handful of reasons for both ends of that, and I'm sure they can be pretty easily extrapolated. Sometimes, I just can't seem to let myself be happy. Whatever, it has passed now.

Yoga feels good. I need to start walking again, though. The weather's finally improving, so hopefully I can get to that tomorrow.

I work tomorrow and Thursday; I'll probably try to sneak in early and leave a little late to drag out a few extra dollars this week. More money for the trip means more things I can do. Money = Gummy bears, pancakes, and iphones.

More words today.
Today's lyrics: "If I don't let myself by happy now then when?"

All I really want is to hear "You're important" or "You matter" or "Thanks, you did a good job."

Freud would probably blame my father.

So would my mother.

"You're the Tom you were always supposed to be."

Someone I knew from high school told me this at a New Year's party a few months ago. At the time, I didn't really think anything of it; in fact, it sounded kind of bizarre. I didn't really know how to take it. It was obviously meant to be a compliment, but it felt sort of similar to a compliment like "Well, at least you aren't as fat as you used to be."

I've spent a lot of time ruminating on it since then. Did I really waste that much time in high school?

I was that miserable kid in the corner. I hated high school. I had virtually no friends. I had a teacher I'd consider a friend and one best friend which ended up in mutual abandonment shortly before high school. I've been wondering what changed between now and then.

The simplest answer? I just stopped caring. That puts the crux more on apathy than anything else, which is a bit misleading, but at the core, that's true. I stopped worrying about who I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. I'm comfortable in my own skin--for the most part. He said I was standing taller and looked outwardly focused.

He also might have been drunk, so take that for what it's worth.

I think it has at least some truth. In high school? I never would have come even close to regularly working with people or, as is the case semi-regularly now, leading them. I still have to fight those urges to disappear and hide away, every single day. Ultimately, though, I just don't care about everyone else will think about my actions and myself any more.


Well, mostly everyone else.

Several weeks ago when the topic of what I'd be doing when I had to move out of this apartment, another friend said "I just don't want you to turn back into the Tom you used to be when you were living with your parents."

It seems like everyone noticed.

I think the idea that living at home was somehow responsible for it is misguided, but the fear of it happening again if I do have to move back in with my parents probably has some foundation. I think the bigger fear, however, is that I'm going to self-destruct long before that.

I wrote some words, of the 750+ variety, again today.

And today's lyrics: "I don't think they know, that's my heart exposed"

Sometimes

Sometimes, you're the star on top of the Christmas tree.
Others, you're a column holding up a roof.
And there are times when you're the jacket being draped over a puddle.

Oh how I long to be the star again.

Forget Shrugging

So, let's give this blogging thing a shot. ..How many blogs have started with that line?

I haven't been doing well lately, or at least, I haven't been taking care of myself like I should. I've really only had one real meal in the past like three days. I've eaten a few "meals" other than that, like soups and stuff, but nothing massive or substantial. That's probably bad. Seems to go with this time of year.

Classes will be over in a month. I'm not sure how that's going to turn out, since I've been pretty apathetic. Stupid bad habits. Oh well, I'll have a vacation as soon as they're over, which I'm looking forward to and that will probably make things all better for a little bit, at least.

Short blog, AWAY~!

I've also been coerced into this 750 Words thing