For a long time, I've had a problem. I like to put everything--all the blame, all the weight--on my own shoulders. I've realized this is a problem, and as a result, I've tried to stop doing it.
Yet, it keeps happening.
No matter who I'm dealing with. No matter where I am. No matter how completely out of my control the situation is, it still comes down on me. It's my fault. I'm the one it gets taken out on. It's like the time my father grounded me for "breaking the garage door" just because I was the last one to press the button, except it happens every fucking day of my life.
It's killing me.
I can feel it in my chest, in the worst of ways. I don't want to be the one who's always at fault any more. That's why I'm trying to stop heaping the blame on myself, but it seems like there are still plenty of people left so fill in the hole I dug long ago. I'm trying so hard in so many facets of my life, but it almost always seems to come undone at the slightest happenstance that I can't control. All the goodwill with any of a variety of people is instantly dashed away by some bullshit that I couldn't have even done anything about if I had a time machine.
At least when I was putting it on myself, I knew why it was there. Now? I don't. I can't fucking escape it. Pound after pound of dirt raining down on my head. And it makes me want to take it out on me even harder.
People didn't want me to put it on myself. Maybe they shouldn't be working overtime to make up for the slack and then some. I'm fucking sick of it.
Lyrics: "I am not perfect and I don't claim to be / And if that's what you wanted / Well then I'm so sorry / How about a better version of, the way that I a"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
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