Words

My area of study has been a double-edged sword. On one hand, I know how incredibly powerful words can be. They can shape perception. They are perception.

But I also know, all too well, that they are simply words. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

They have no concrete value. They are ephemeral and transient. They're just as likely to control someone as pass right through them. No matter how carefully crafted a message or a plea may be, it can pass through someone like a ghost.

And that makes it all the more frustrating when they're all I have to rely on. Baby, it's all we've got. I know my words don't prove anything. My words can't build a bridge from here to there. They won't spawn a plane ticket. They won't make me instantly appear beside you.

ButGoddoIwishtheywould.

But, they are mine. They are from me. You're right, I can't know. Fate is capricious and invisible. But, I know me. I know what I am. I know what I want. I know what I will do. I wish I had the magic words, and I know I've sold a lot of people during my studies on the fact that there are some magic words. Unfortunately, I know the reality is that words are just as often worth their weight in gold.

But they are mine. Please believe in me. Please believe in this. Please believe in us. Know that I will keep doing everything I can to prove that these words do mean something.

Lyrics: "Believe in the light in me."

"Believe" - Staind

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you
And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don't meet
In the dreams that I live through

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

All the smiles you had to fake
And all the shit you had to take
Just to lead us here again
I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Its my life
Its my choice
Hear my words
Hear my voice
And just believe

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
And all I think about is you

If you believe in me
Life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Sigh.

A Gnarled Path

I look back on the past several years--let's say six--and realize that every slight, backstabbing, and collapse all led to this perfection I have now--this happiness.

Suddenly, I am at peace. All of that led me to this. I wouldn't change anything in the world.

Plucked Strings

It's amazing to me how dramatically better my life has become in just the past 5 or 6 days. I really can't believe I'm this lucky.

In retrospect, it's astounding just how magical the entire weekend is. While it is true that life is really just a series of coin-flips and coincidences, the sheer number of things that had to happen exactly the way they did for something this perfect to happen blows my mind.

But I'm happy--so, so happy--to be with you. I meant it when I told you that you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I meant it when I said you made me want to be better than I am.

I may be away from my new home right now, but I know I'll return soon enough.

Words: 762
Lyrics: "I understand I wasn't part of the plan / a dollar short, a minute early / but I am your man"

The Tick Tock of the Clock is Painful

You block the clock with gummy bears.
You block the clock with a pillow.
You block the clock with your hair.

But still it ticks. Inexorably forward. The alarm goes off, no matter whether or not we can see the time.

Now, I stare at it and dare it to move forward. Urge it. Rush it. Implore it. Tick away the time that separates you and me.

Whooooops.

Falling behind on blogs again. So much shit to get done before Thursday morning so that I'm not a disappointment. =p

Too excited for words. Well, other than these:

Yesterday's Words: 760
Today's Words: 755

And here I thought this earth had been salted. I guess not.

Secret Secret

I don't think it's any secret to any one reading this blog that despite my public bravado and ego, I am privately very hard on myself and not exactly big on self-belief.

What is probably a secret, however, is just how deep that runs. It really feels like no matter what or how much I do, I will never amount to anything. My modesty isn't a virtue. It emanates from my core belief that I really am not that good.

I don't have trouble accepting compliments and praise because I'm being modest; I have trouble accepting them because I just cannot hear any veracity in them. And yet, I still crave them, perhaps more than most. I suspect this is due to 99.9% of them ringing hollow because of my twisted self-image.

Many times, particularly when I'm very down, I believe that there is some fundamental flaw deep within my very essence. As a result, I believe everything I do or touch will turn sour and be destroyed. I don't think it's any stretch to assume this is why I'm often so detached, distant, and guarded, because ultimately, I just don't want to fuck shit up for people I care about.

This creates a very strange dilemma. If I care very much about someone, I find myself with the urge to fly away from them, lest I wreck things for them. I'm getting better at choking that off, but the underlying concern is still there: Everything I touch seems to turn to ash. I am trying to hope that it won't happen and not flee for the hills. I'd never flee anyway, since I know that would just hurt people all the more.

Sheesh, I am messed up.

Words: 1662
Lyrics: "When reactions turn into hurricanes  And the middle course seems a little tame / Whether full or empty it's all the same"

"Nice Guys"

"Nice guys always finish last."

I remember that saying

time and time again as

I watch myself get passed

The only meaning: my inferences

from the subtext and context of

this tapestry we've woven—

too much god damn interference—

too much S%T@A░T*I^C.

I can't think straight any more.

How did I get here?

What did I do wrong?

Upon deaf ears I do implore.

Now I find myself outside,

scratching

                      clawing

begging

                      pleading

—ragged fingers on the door

I was never in this race;

I am a modern Hermes,

carrying grim portents

for that which they chase.

Only I return not to Divine Mount

Olympus with my caduceus,

but to my hovel while you

lose no sleep on my account.

I Should Have Bought Insurance

Damnit, Shatner, I knew I should have listened to you.

I now have a phobia of shovels. That is all. I'm still excited, but I might be looking over my shoulder 95% of the time.

Words: 762
Lyrics: ANYTHING THAT IS NOT MUDSHOVEL OH GOD.